


Personal Reasons

by cozy_downpour



Category: Women’s soccer
Genre: F/F, Pride, Soccer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-25 23:07:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20033857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cozy_downpour/pseuds/cozy_downpour
Summary: She's under pressure and she looses. She wanted to win it to make a point, to prove it all...but then she lost.*Based on the recent Utah Royals loss to the NC courage





	Personal Reasons

**Author's Note:**

> TW Minor discussions involving homophobia and references to slurs. No slur is written out but just fyi

The steps to her locker feel heavier than normal. Time stops for Christen as she stands in front of it, unlocking it and hearing the changing of metal. Her teammates whirred around her, changing in record time. Christen sank down onto the bench, lowering her head into her hands. She couldn't shake the feeling creeping up on her, the sensation low in her gut. She had so many opportunities to score tonight and they all fell through. Christen was frustrated by the loss and what was even worse was that she found herself tiptoeing dangerously close to the mindset she had as a younger, more reckless player. The mindset that told her she isn't enough for the team. That she had failed them, and she should not be going on the victory tour with the champs. 

"Chris? Hey bud," 

Christen looked up between her fingers to face her teammate Kelley. Kelley knew this side of Christen having seen it at Stanford. She sighed, stretching out to rub Christen's shoulder. 

"Go. I'm fine." The younger girl croaked out, hiding the need to cry deep in her throat. Kelley shook her head but withdrew her hand from rubbing Christen's shoulder. 

"Chris you know I'm not going to leave you sulking in the locker room alone. We've known each other a long time. I'd never do that in my life." Kelley said softly. Christen's nostrils flared as she sat up straighter. Kelley was just looking out for her, considering she knew Christen back from Stanford when she beat herself up over both wins and losses. But that didn't compute with the anger in Christen's veins. 

"I don't need to be babysat. Go home!" She barked, the tension from the day unleashing itself onto Kelley. Christen also hated feeling pitied by her teammates when this happened.

"I have her." A deep, calm and collected voice broke through the remaining silence between Kelley and Christen. Kelley stepped back while giving Christen one last glance and heading out. Christen's eyes immediately went to the lanky brunette who took Kelley's space, and sudden warmth spread through her cold, angry body. 

"So uh surprise," Tobin chuckled as she swung down to crouch on the bench before placing her legs on either side of it. "We're playing a bunch of games at home and not until later next week so I decided to come and surprise you." She explained to fill the empty silence rippling off the locker room. 

Christen gave her a half hearted smile, looking back down at the bench and tracing the pattern of the wood in her brain. Tobin didn't mind though, she understood how in her head her girlfriend got. She slid off the bench and gently began to clear out her girlfriend's locker. She placed Christen's warmup clothes in her sports bag to go home and be washed, then slowly turned to Christen. Before brown eyes met green, the dark curly haired woman was sliding off her jersey and throwing on a hoodie. She'd shower at home, she didn't want to spend another minute in that damn locker room. Tobin sighed and locked the locker up, handing the bag to Christen. The sigh wasn't out of frustration or annoyance, but rather her heart aching to see Christen like this. 

"I hate when you watch me lose." Christen mumbled as she laced up her sneakers. Tobin slid her hand comfortingly across Christen's back, rubbing. 

"You played your best. There's nothing more you can do, you bring it your all. It's not just a game of skill and precision but stamina and logic too." Tobin replied, trying to reason with Christen. Christen finally stood up and pushed her dark curls into a messy half bun. She reached for Tobin's hand as they walked out of the locker room, leaving hand in hand. 

*

Tobin drove them back to Christen's apartment. She saw the anger still boiling in the younger girl and quickly took the keys from her hand. Christen relented, wanting to stew in her own thoughts on the drive anyway. It was not too far from the stadium, over a few hills. Tobin parked in the complex and turned to face Christen, gently leaning in to kiss her cheek. The moment Tobin's soft lips met Christen's flushed cheek, tears leaked out of her green eyes. Christen shuddered in embarrassment, turning away to open her door. This loss was personal for her. 

Tobin felt a little stung by her pulling away but chalked it up to the overwhelming emotions. She climbed out of the car and followed Christen inside the building and up to her floor. 

"Thank you for coming. I'm sorry I'm such a mess." Christen finally choked out in the empty elevator. Tobin shrugged, running a hand through her silky brown hair. 

"Christen. You don't have to apologize for this loss. You also don't have to apologize for being upset. I love you no matter if you win or loose." She said, ending her words with a hand squeeze as the door opened on her floor. Christen's heart fluttered as she heard her girlfriend say I love you again, but as she put the key in her lock her eyes welled up again with tears. 

Once inside Tobin quickly went to throw the clothes from the bag into the washing machine and even went ahead and dumped Christen's laundry basket in as well. Christen was surprised by this, considering she was always the one reminding Tobin to do her own laundry before she had more than 2 loads to do. But that wasn't all Tobin was doing in light of Christen's loss. She then slid across the wood floor, in her socks, into the small kitchen and started the kettle. 

Christen sank down into her couch, watching how earnest and caring Tobin was being and her heart broke for another time that night. Tears poured from her eyes as she finally let go of what she had been feeling the moment she stepped on the pitch. 

Tobin heard Christen sobbing and in true Tobin fashion slid across the wood floor again from the kitchen to the open living area and hopped onto the couch. 

"You're going to get holes in your socks if you keep that up." Christen teased between her sobs. The brunette rolled her eyes, 

"I was trying to get here the fastest way I could." She replied in playful defense. Tobin curled her arm around Christen and led her to sob into her chest. The younger girl shook as she struggled to take a deep breath. Tobin kept rubbing her back in circles, sliding under the sweatshirt to find Christen's warm skin. 

"You know you scored a kickass goal tonight Chris? Right?" 

Christen merely mumbled something in response, burrowing her head farther into Tobin's chest. Tobin lifted her right hand to play with loose strands of Christen's bun letting her ride out these feelings. Eventually Christen fell asleep in Tobin's arms, her tears coming to a stall and the tension in her shoulders dropping if only for an hour at most. 

*

Christen woke up to the smell of chicken and blinked her bleary eyes to see Tobin in the kitchen. Quickly Christen leapt to her feet and hurried into the kitchen, taking a frenzied look around. 

"What the hell are you doing?" Christen asked groggily, her hands on her hips. Tobin looked up sheepishly from the stove where she had rice boiling.

"Cooking you dinner..." She trailed off feeling as if she were a child caught in trouble. 

"Tobs I just paid this months rent I don't want my kitchen to catch fire again." Christen warned referring to a small stove fire the brunette had caused a year ago. It was small and quickly put out but there was a pact after that to let her cook meals with supervision.

"Well I wanted to make you dinner for when you woke up. Sue me for being romantic after you had a shitty game." Tobin replied, stirring the rice lazily. Christen chuckled at Tobin's response and kissed her softly for the first time that night. Tobin wrapped her arms around Christen's neck, leaning into her gently. 

"I love you so much." Christen chuckled, stirring the rice gently with her right hand. The two women rested their foreheads against each other just for a moment, brown eyes seeking grey green. The oven beeped, and the chicken came out miraculously without injury. The two women sat down at the small table in the corner of the kitchen. 

"This is really sweet. This and the laundry, and driving me home...I'm kind of glad you were at the game now." Christen said softly between bites of chicken. Tobin looked up from her plate, her brows furrowed. 

"Were you really that afraid of me being there and watching you lose? Christen, look at me. We've been together through some of our highest highs and lowest lows, don't ever be ashamed to loose a game." She said, tucking hair behind her ear. Christen scratched her fork against the plate as she moved her rice and vegetables around before finally speaking again. 

"I- Tobs-Tobin. It wasn't just loosing a game tonight...we lost against the courage." She stuttered but finally got it out. Tobin tilted her head, her eyebrows furrowing at Christen's explanation. 

"What do you mean? They're not the best but you've played against Crystal and everyone before." Tobin replied, thinking that Christen was merely embarrassed she lost to former national teammates. She went back to eating her chicken, not noticing Christen biting her lip as she struggled to speak more. 

"It's not that. I don't care about that it's just...Tobin, can you look at me?" Christen asked. Tobin dropped her fork from her left hand and looked up, feeling the tenseness radiating off Christen in a way that she never felt before. "Throughout the game I was so aware that it wasn't just the courage. But Hinkle was there. And after everyone dug up her and the pride stuff, I knew I wasn't playing for just sport. I was playing to make a point. I was going to defeat an ignorant homophobe..." 

Tobin placed her hand across the table ontop of Christen's, rubbing the soft skin between her thumb and index finger. 

"That's very brave and noble of you Chris but we can't defeat all of our enemies." Tobin replied softly, her voice low. Her chest felt heavy realizing what this game meant to Christen, and how it impacted her. Things began to add up like the rough starting defense, and the ankle trip. Christen never played rough unless she had a reason to. 

"But I was...I- Tobin you mean so much to me. I think that I wanted to win for you. I can't stand the fact that she's there, thinking she's above us and using God to justify it all." Christen said, sitting up a little straighter as she grew more angry. Tobin sighed, knowing she was correct. 

"I can't be spending my time worrying about what other believers think. I know myself and I know my God, and I know he accepts me. Hinkle is just another obstacle in life." She said sadly, standing up to wash her plate. She scrubbed against the ceramic material, listening as Christen sighed. 

"Tobin I- you know when I did that kiss and a T when you were out for your back? You had surgery that morning." She asked, knowing the older woman remembered it vividly. Tobin's eyes lit up and she wiped her hands on the dish towel, turning to face Christen. 

"How could I forget? It was so cute. My mom wouldn't shut up she had the game going all day." Tobin chuckled, smiling at the memory. Since Christen wasn't able to be there for her surgery, her mom decided to fly out to take care of her. 

"I was going to do that again if we won tonight. And I was...Tobin I want people to know about us. I mean how cool would it be to destroy homophobes and then just casually drop that we're together and live life like normal." Christen blurted out quickly, a blush rising on her cheeks. Tobin walked back over to her girlfriend, nudging her way to sitting with her legs on either side of the chair. She traced her fingertips along the side of Christen's chiseled cheeks. 

"You already destroy homophobes for us Chris. You'll have other chances to go after Hinkle. If I don't pummel her during my game against the courage." Tobin chuckled, craning her head into the crook of Christen's neck. "But babe, you glared at those guys checking us out at the farmers market that time, and you told off another pair of teens when they tried to cat call us after we kissed. You hold my hand in public, and you kiss my cheek. Fighting ignorance isn't all about the big displays , y'know?" 

Christen slid her hands up Tobin's back, breathing out softly as she listened to each word the woman spoke in the silence of the apartment. She pushed back some of her hair, taking a breath. 

"You're right. It's like the time you pulled us away from those creeps at a bar. So quickly you spilled his beer but we let before he saw us. Or when you adamantly told the hotel in Mexico we were together and wanted one bed." Christen teased, leaving feather light kisses against Tobin's neck. "Or when you yelled at those boys who called us...d-you know," her voice faltered at the even insinuation of hate speech, and Christen realized just how much she had actually gone through while being quietly public with her girlfriend. It wasn't about announcing anything online. It wasn't about doing photoshoots or having TMZ roll up to your date night. It was about the second guessing if they're in the right neighborhood at the right time to hold hands, or even sneak a small kiss. It was about glaring down teenage boys who said Christen had a fat ass, and threatening the ones who called Tobin “he” on account of her small breasts and lanky figure. 

Christen found her clavicle to feel wet, and watched Tobin pull a tear streaked face back. Christen's thumbs already started to swipe away new tears as they rolled down Tobin's tanned cheeks. 

"God I wanted to kill those boys. It never gets easier...hearing it." Tobin fumed for a few moments before curling herself back into Christen's chest. Christen nodded, all too familiar with those feelings. They both knew each other’s traumas and pasts, sometimes even the greatest of children’s soccer stars ended up on the bullied roster. 

"You know, Tobs," Christen suggested lowly as she saw Tobin's tears sober up and felt her hips across her own. "We still haven't celebrated my goal tonight." 

Tobin raised an eyebrow, "Oh?" She asked playfully catching her lower lip between her two front teeth. Christen kissed behind her ear, one hand on her back and the other creeping along her thigh. Tobin shivered at the feeling of Christen's warm breath against her skin. 

"That's something I'm gonna have to rectify then." Tobin said, leaning in to kiss Christen's lips roughly. The silence of the room was broken with soft pants and the clashing of lips as they kissed gently. Tobin rolled her hips across Christen’s, feeling the pressure between her legs deepen. Christen’s hand fell down to her ass, pushing her in closer until they had no space between each other. Tobin’s kisses drifted south of Christen’s mouth, into the valley of her clavicle. Just as Tobin’s hands skimmed the hem of Christen’s top the younger girl nudged Tobin to stop. Tobin pulled back immediately, her hand freezing on Christen’s lips. 

“I played a full 90. Join me in the shower?” Christen asked with her lower lip between her teeth. Tobin chuckled, leaning in to kiss her neck playfully. 

“Oh no man really? I kind of got used to the funk.” She teased with a crinkle of her nose before sliding off her girlfriend and darting to the shower. Christen laughed, knowing that her girlfriend was never one for being patient when it came to promises of shower sex. 

*  
“This is love.” Tobin said bluntly as she leaned into Christen while water ran down the sides of her caramelized skin. Christen’s head lulled back under the shower head, one leg hooked over Tobin’s hip while her hand steadied her against the wall. 

“This is love.” Christen replied breathlessly, feeling Tobin’s lean fingers glide into her smoothly. The two fingers began a slow pace, Tobin’s core rocking against Christen’s thigh ever so often as a pitchy moan fell against her ear. 

“Fuck, I...” Christen closed her eyes, her left hand finding Tobin’s clit the the same moment the brunette found hers. They rubbed in circles, putting pressure on the little bud until finally the tenseness overwhelmed their bodies. They had to let go. Christen first, pulsating around Tobin’s drenched fingers. She kept her tight within her walls, whimpering at Tobin’s removal. Tobin came after, biting against Christen’s neck as she whined. 

“Oh god, fuck, Chris, I..” Tobin moaned against wet skin, feeling Christen flex beneath her. She sighed at the loss of pressure as Christen dropped her knee and pulled back from the wall. Gently Christen kissed her lips, feeling the divots from Tobin’s annoyingly cute habit of biting her lower lip so often it chapped. The taste of her made Chris’s eyes droop over. She could still feel her own wetness pooling down her thighs and mixing with the soap on her legs. This was love and it was messy and adorable and between two people who loved each other. No ones “personal reasons” got between these two.


End file.
